Nervous wreck

I realize by now that all my posts involve at least one synonym of such adjectives as nervous or anxious, but I just can’t get a grip on myself and stop worrying. I guess when you know all the bad things that could happen it just doesn’t come so easy to feel relaxed. But since I realize that I can’t be any other way and if wining is what I need to do in order to feel sane, then that’s what I'm going to do. Yesterday, I had almost pain free day, which made me happy and miserable at the same time, since it could mean good or bad depending on how you look at it. Today, on the other hand, has started with horrible diarrhea, back pain and very uneasy feeling in my stomach and on my left side. I feel like nervous wreck full of pain. Dr. Google doesn’t make it easier, whatever search term I use, it always comes up with at least one result with dire outcome with no heartbeat. I’m both terrified and anxious about Wednesday. I so want it to be ok in there. I just hope and pray that all these pains and aches and stomach problems are signs of growth, however my mind bring up all the negative thoughts, no doubt as a defense mechanism.